imageMy tears, took me somewhat by surprise today…

Anyone lucky enough to enjoy the last few days of beautiful sunshine, will probably have been if lucky, like me, able to spend the last few days outside in their gardens. For those less lucky a few uncomfortable working days.

I had had a few horrible days at work in which I don’t really feel the need to go into, but included a Muslim work colleague with a leaning towards mysogynistic behaviours, culminating  in a formal complaint about said colleague. So the last few days of complete relaxation and beautiful weather added to my calm enjoyment of my own space.

Long lazy days of novels, gardening, movies on my Ipad (icloud  was a challenge) and baking. All was working well, then Day 4 hit me, a few new shrubs in the garden a little bit of tussling too and fro with theist fruit loops on twitter and then an afternoon movie in the garden with a few beers. Okay, I admit ‘Brief Encounter’ was not the best choice. Half way through my mind wandered to a Saturday afternoon watching the same movie with my grandfather. For anyone who has been with my blog from the beginning, you will be aware  I was in effect brought up by my grandparents and they were my defacto parents for most of my life.

3pm in the afternoon, mid way through ‘Brief Encounter’ and I was blubbering like a baby. It never ends does it… The missing your friends and family members.. Both my granparents died in 2006 one in March and one in November  and I still miss them like they were here just yesterday. It comes to me suddenly and unexpectedly and I am literally gasping for breath they have been gone for 10 years!

It strikes me then, we are all the same, theist and atheist alike, the difference is the immortality we have is living in the memories of our friends and family. My grandparents are still here in my memories. Recently a friend @atheist_eh had the loss of his Mom to contend with, there was no use in words, he will never get over it, but he will find over time the wonderful memories are there like a photo album to take out and peruse when he feels the loss the most. I do the same, snatches of my grandparents, it can be a five minute conversation with my grandfather in his garden, or a morning baking with my grandmother… But it is like it is all there again. Of course, it is a double edged sword as with the memories comes the loss as fresh as ever.

We pick up twitter as sometimes a place far removed from our everyday lives, but even there we see losses, my Sis @frankiebird01 will attest to this. There was an amazing humanist and friend to us both Ron DuFresne who both of us were lucky enough to find on twitter. Ron had health issues and in November of 2014 he died of a heart attack, luckily his partner had access to his twitter account and let everyone know. A whole community on twitter sent best wishes and felt his loss even as he touched are lives in such a small way. I know both Frankie and I still tweet on the anniversary of his death… So you see someone we will never meet is still remembered… An immortality of friendship.

A blogger Myatheistlife also touched me profoundly and his blogs were read by me each week. His humour and writings were of a great influence to me. Sadly he committed suicide in October of last year, for the simple reason he was holding out his athiest life on here but unable to live it in the real world. Another generous humanist who helped others but never reached out to let us know he needed help. As Sagan says he is now returned to star stuff… But will always be remembered.

I can see the need of theists to believe in an afterlife, I can, but you know hoping does not make it so. My grandparents and most especially my grandfather believed death was the end, he strived to express the need to live every day, to enjoy each moment and not waste it on make believe mythologies.

No matter if atheist or theist we all suffer when we remember people who have died, that touched our lives, in so many ways, but you know that is okay. If I had no memories, if I didnt feel the pain that missing them brings… Then I wouldnt be alive…

Now I am, okay until next time I will be brought up short in remembrance of days past…